On Assumption of Identity

Disclaimer: While you might be able to assert this from the title, I do assume the identity, name, and pronouns of a few people in this article. I do this because my own experience with gender obligates me to. This work is entirely my own perspective, and I don’t claim to speak for anyone else, including anyone who authored work that I reference in this essay.
CW: transphobia, assumption of identity, death, suicide

The phrase “don’t assume my gender” gained widespread popularity during the pop-feminism surge of the early and mid-2010s, starting as a call for the average cis person to not use traditional sex/gender markers as a means of assuming someone’s preferred gender. As most snappy arguments of that time did, the phrase became widely used by “edgy” right-wingers (the same kind who jokingly referred to themselves as “attack helicopters” when asked about their gender identity) to discredit the notion of gender nonconformity. Despite the conservative mockery associated with the phrase, the spirit of the argument has become embedded in radical liberalism, with the idea being, of course, about as far as any liberal would go to support the rights of gender nonconforming people. In a post-pop-feminism world, it’s important to understand the phrase contextually as a tool for mainstream white feminists to feel better about the way they treat perceived non-binary people (note how perceiving someone as non-binary still plays into the gender binary). Why should we use this phrase to dictate the way we interact with our potentially trans siblings if it’s based in white feminist, binary rhetoric designed without considering non-traditional gender markers? Assumption of identity, especially when informed by one’s personal experience and knowledge of flags, isn’t necessarily harmful, and can be a positive force in the lives of those wrestling with the bounds of our binary culture.

The impetus for writing this is an interview I read about Lilly Bushnell, the U.S. serviceperson who self-immolated in protest of America’s culpability in the ongoing violence being perpetrated against the Palestinian people and culture. The article was written by Evan Urquhart of Assigned media who interviewed Isabelle Moreton (@epistomophagy on bluesky), and it delves into some of the potential signs that Lilly was a closeted trans woman. I don’t wish to reiterate every point, as I believe Moreton does an outstanding job of laying out the evidence for this possibility, but I will expand on a few aspects of Lilly’s online presence that speak to me personally. First and foremost, I have to acknowledge that Bushnell’s gender identity (or lack thereof) makes no difference on the impact of her political sacrifice. This is not meant to diminish her actions at all, but to properly remember all facets of her life and ask how we should react when someone displays potential signs of being queer.

Before coming to a conclusion about Bushnell’s identity, it’s crucial to emphasize the importance of online identity experimentation in the lives of trans people. In the article On Watching Lain & Being Trans in 2022, or, How Digital Violets Bloom in Yesterweb Zine issue 04, author Violet (@TheRecogScene on twitter) lays out the ways in which an online persona can help someone come to terms with their identity. Among other experiences, Violet explores how finding a nickname in online spaces gave her a space to “ask if I actually felt a genuine connection to my name, or if I had begrudgingly accepted it.” I can personally attest that experimenting with different names in online spaces gave me that same power, as well as an experience with being treated as a girl by people who didn’t know me otherwise. Rather than experimenting with gender identity in the “real world” and being beholden to judgements people would make about me based on the way I look, being online gave me a look at what I thought my life should be, and it empowered me to question my gender identity in a more serious way.

Pushback to the concept of assumption of identity mostly hovers around two arguments, both of which are similar in that they center cisness and heterosexuality in the lives of those most harmed by said concepts. The first is the insistence that assuming someone’s gender or pronouns is always a negative thing, and the second being that you should wait for someone to come out before identifying them in a way that doesn’t correspond to the way they’ve always identified. I personally see some pretty big holes in these arguments, but I’d like first to bring up a TikTok creator who has made videos on a similar topic and has shaped the way I see these arguments. Mirabai (@misocups on TikTok) is a genderfluid lesbian creator who first came across my For You Page because of their takes on transfemininity, and secured my long-time viewership through excellent videos about some of my favorite music. One common thread throughout a lot of his videos is that he assumes Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance is a trans woman, and uses she/her pronouns for the singer. In one of many videos refuting criticism, Mirabai says that “not believing someone until they tell you explicitly…that's making someone bend to your will.” In a binary-less society, trans people shouldn’t have to come out publicly in order to permit the people around them to change their language. Why is it that assumption of cisness and heterosexuality is permitted, but not assumption of deviance from that violently imposed norm?

In addition to empirical evidence, my own experience with gender compels me to perceive Lilly’s online presence as queer. I spent time in trans spaces marveling at the courage queer folks had that I couldn’t. I have existed in online spaces experimenting with names different from the one I was given in an attempt to regain some of the autonomy stolen from me by our binary society. I can’t reconcile seeing someone who so embodies a space that I was in — that so many of us trans folk have been in — and ignoring that out of respect for the cisgender norms our society imposes. To reiterate a point from the interview that first brought this to my attention, “‘After everything I’ve seen, I feel morally obligated to [call her Lilly].’” And if by chance I’m incorrect in my assumptions, I defer again to a point made in the article; that “‘I can only conclude that [s]he would understand how the misunderstanding came about.’” We may never truly be free of the gender binary, but we as queer people need to first decenter cisness and heterosexuality from our community before progress can be made, including the social construct of coming out.